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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Embattled college and professional sports associations, concerned that they will continue making money no matter how harshly administered by an economic downturn, confirmed Tuesday that they will continue their decades-long practice of creating, supporting, and profiting from football and basketball programs despite the current crisis in college athletics. "With the budget crises that the financial sector currently faces, it's important to remember that we have a cooperative industry that will continue to fund and ultimately profit from playing college sports," NCAA president Mark Emmert said during a press conference regarding the organization's financial health. "Whether that means maintaining the questionable competitive advantages that enable the athletic programs to pay lucrative salaries to the coaches they don't truly supervise, or the ridiculous subsidies to the athletic departments that keep sports alive in places like Virginia Tech, we're only too happy to continue putting universities and universities into a hole because, well, that's exactly what we're supposed to do." Emmert continued, "These are really difficult times, and we'll have to survive without more of your money to make it through. Regardless, though, you should feel confident that our nation's colleges and universities will continue to provide you with bowls, big-time football and basketball games, and a chance to make a little scratch by throwing money at athletes. It's our duty to provide you with little pleasures that seem so insignificant, but nevertheless do so in perpetuity." Emmert refused to answer follow-up questions regarding the organization's mission statement, the true financial strength of the Department of Education, and what happens to the NCAA offices when NCAA revenue drops.